The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
