We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
