do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
