she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
