the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
