lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
