you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
