i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
