before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
