so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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