I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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