if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
