if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
