I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
