i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Randomize
