it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
