Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What a dumb baby whore.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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