I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
