There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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