Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize