don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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