I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
