I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
