she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
