when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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