Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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