we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
