I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
