Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
