I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
fuck your aforementioned shoe
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
