I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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