i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
