4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
