Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
