i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
