She is in my trunk
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
