So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
