yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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