never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
