i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
