Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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