My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize