Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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