Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
