3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize