my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im holly from the hills drunk
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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