Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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