We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
