anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
