Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
