am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
