Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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