I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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