drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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