Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
