he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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