you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
